8 Simple rules to train Santa Grade Elves
It is common for people of today to believe that Santa’s elves just magically “poof” into existence with the advanced knowledge of Mechanics, and group dynamics necessary to manufacture the wide arrange of toys in demand by modern children of today. In reality training an elf for Santa requires a great amount of patience, time, pain, and blood before they can even apply for coal mining duty. Since so many people don’t know how to successfully train an elf for Santa’s workshop I have decided to place in writing my own eight rules on T.E. (toy elf) training. These rules are inspired by the fifteen commandments that are burned on the arms of every elf trained at Santa’s little old weapons plans, the largest T.E. plant in Antarctica.
1. Don’t Panic – if you are confused about a certain rule or an elf’s behavior don’t show your confusion in public. Talk to a fellow trainer about the rule or perhaps you should look to your local library for help. Maybe you just need to learn how to read. Whatever the case is don’t let your elves know about it. If the elves learn of your confusion then they will lose their respect and fear of you as a leader, teacher, and may take up arms against you. Something that never ends pretty. This rule also applies to any situation where you might be a little confused like the high dropout (escape) rate and the even higher death rate. Remember never let your elves know you are not equivalent to their god.
2. Fear – A little bit of fear goes a very long way with elves. So you should always make sure your elves are virtually petrified at your very presence. This can most easily be achieved through threats about their families, public executions, and a training favorite: Public punishment.
3. Good Learning Environment – This means no distractions. Distractions in turn means no: “free time”, socializing, bathroom breaks, eating or anything similar to it; colors besides red, green, silver, and gold; motivational posters, fidgeting, day dreaming, or any other excuse your elves can concoct to leave their working posts. Remember Elves are usually very happy and gay creatures that are not use to the daily grind of factory mass labor. So if there is anything else that you notice distracting your elves punish those absentminded whelps and add the item to your list of rules. Remember any rule breakers should be publically punished for maximum results.
4. Tile, Tile, Tile – All of your facilities floors should be tiled. At a minimum the workshop floor must be tiled as a “must”! This makes cleaning up after your elves less of a hassle. When they “can’t hold it any longer” or when they dirty the floor during punishments, and executions you can just hose the floor off at the end of the day.
5. Teaching – Make sure that the elves are instructed with an accomplished teacher. A “T.E.S” (toy elf Sargent) should be more than sufficient for teaching the mechanical and technological skills necessary for the basic run of the mill T.E. T.E.S.’s can be very expensive to hire and you may be tempted to hire a human to teach the elves. This is ok but T.E.S’s may have much more experience at dealing with their elven brethren and are no slouches when it comes to punishment. And a T.E.S may have picked up some tricks from their past employments to make your elves work that much more productively.
6. Products – The things your elves make in their training is just as important as them making the items in the first place. Most Facilities that Santa runs to train his elves produce military grade weapons is special facilities built specifically for this purpose. Sadly you may have trouble obtaining permission to build such a facility or maybe your security isn’t secure enough. The next best products are Computer hardware, and chemicals. Just make certain that if you choose to produce chemicals that the majority of them can’t be used against you or in the eventual escape attempt. Both products can be sold through normal marketing routs such as specialty shops but chemical production has the ability to fetch higher prices in the black market. Note that if you sell chemicals on the black market you could be fined or put in jail.
7. Punishments – The favorite topic of most T.E. trainers. Santa’s little old weapons plant has the following motto on the topic: Loud and Proud. You need to make your punishments, as painful as they are a spectacle. The Preferred methods include beatings, floggings, mutilation, and burning. Your choice of punishment is up to you. The only requirements your punishment must meet is that it is witnessed by your other elves, can be easily heard, smelled, seen, and almost felt, and tasted. If you don’t wish to do the deed yourself I would recommend using a Keebler Elf. Their natural disdain for any elf planning to work for Santa makes them very willing and eager candidates for the position.
8. Never let your guard down – Elves can be sneaky vicious creatures when pushed so make sure that you are well protected and your elves well contained. An Elf uprising has been the demise of far too many a T.E. trainer.
Many a short sited person has thought that such training methods are too strict. In fact it is not too uncommon for a punishment to be interrupted by an angry mob of protestors trying to free the elves from their training. But the training is necessary to meet the standards Santa expects from his toy manufacturing facilities. There have been far too many Christmases where the elves could barely meet their quota due to elves not being up to standard and dying. Santa needs our help making his elves good enough to make the good children of this world happy on Christmas morning. Please help with the training progress so he doesn’t have to stoop to hiring Keebler elves and Gnomes.